How cruel can the beautiful game be? I have just seen the awful and ugly truth: Oh, I laughed until I cried.

(Brighton and Hove Albion 1, Crystal Palace 2.)


Dipped Out.

Down to Brighton the team bus quietly drove,
To where Palace hoped a point might be nicked,
At best to share the spoils with Brighton and Hove,
A dour nill-all draw the score this Palace fan picked.

But what a strange televised game we saw unfold,
Brighton controlled the ball, a team wholly possessed;
'Twixt his pristine posts the Brighton 'keeper idly strolled,
Never had he or TV watchers seen such a one-sided contest.

But the crosses flew in from the heave-Hove side,
Hot shots blocked by Palace's desperate defending,
Volleys from the blue clad lads blazed high and wide,
Brighton's besieging of the Palace seemed never ending.

Finally, came one brief moment of respite,
A Palace foot hoofed a stray ball down the line...
His untroubled face turned up towards the sunlight
Hove's 'keeper rose from the grass- time to rise and shine.

In came the hopeful cross, from far far away,
But one Palace player had made an exhausted run,
That's how slick-heeled Mateta, against the run of play
Made the most of his chances, or more precisely, our one.

As the Palace players smilingly celebrated
'Twas tragic to see the Seagulls managers pain,
His all-going-according-to plan smile evaporated,
To return once the one-way traffic commenced again.

Palace retreated back in the box, same old same,
Our 'keeper breathlessly making miraculous saves,
Just get to half-time, our is an offensively defensive game-
Endlessly the blue tide washed 'round the Palace goal in waves.

The half-time whistle blew, and scratching his head
The manager of the boys in blue traipsed past, downcast,
His team followed behind, shuffling like 'The Walking Dead'
In the Palace shed, *Roy, head bowed, prayed his luck would last.

Half-time came, ten minutes later it went,
The game recommenced, settings back to default,
Whoever had charge of the console seemed Hellbent
On bombarding the Palace with all-too common assault.

Eventually the Footballing Gods smiled on Brighton,
The football finally found purchase in the ol' onion bag,
Leaning back on his goalpost Hove's 'keeper yawned on;
When you've not even sweeping to do tending tends to drag.

Ninety minutes approached with both teams played out,
Had Palace drawn out a point, with a team of ten at the back?
Then came that miraculous moment that leaves one in no doubt-
Those devilish Footballing Gods keep a joker in play in every pack.

A ball splays out to a man on the wing, gasping his last,
Though cramped up he somehow forces his legs to obey,
Into the Brighton half where he had so rarely trespassed,
He lobs the ball up in the air, anywhere, to get it out of play.

Toward a fresh legged substitute the ball kindly fell;
Our Mr Benteke is known more as Mr Hit And Miss,
But today his shot put us in Heaven and Hove in Hell;
Those Footballing Gods sure can take a trick, and the piss.

'Glad All Over' boomed from the visitors dressing room,
Then chorus after chorus as the London bus drove away,
But in the Hove shed the blue room was as silent as a tomb,
A seaside smash-n-grab, a torn-up **Amex? Crime does pay!

(* Roy Hodgson, the wise old old Yoda of football managing. Or on this day, one lucky bastard.
**Amex Stadium, home of the Seagulls/Brighton and Hove Albion/poor unlucky bastards.)


©Obbverse

6 thoughts on “How cruel can the beautiful game be? I have just seen the awful and ugly truth: Oh, I laughed until I cried.

  1. Ha, I didn’t see the game but I follow comedian Mark Steel, a Palace fan, on Twitter. I gathered what sort of game it was from his tweet…
    “That is possibly the funniest thing that has ever happened. The statistics are Brighton had 845,398 shots, Palace had no shots and we won 2-1”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, a weird and twisted game. The stats said something like 25 shots to the aptly named blues, 2 to Palace. When you are on the right or lucky side of the ledger- for once- you just have to shake your head and walk away.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I don’t know much about baseball, as you do, but there must be a team of give-it-your-all limited ability
      plugging away rag-tag army of miss-fits who just hope to get through the season safe from the wooden spoon. Somewhere approaching the Nirvana of the middle of the table? Forget top half, that is but a dream! That’s Palace- one dazzling if fitful talent, the rest, until very recently, older tried and true journeymen giving their very best. Which is for teams like Liverpool and Manchester City, barely second best.
      If it all pans out, yahoo, I have another year of anxiety to look forward to. But it’s usually watching the Crystal crumbling and stumbling towards the last game or two being before KNOWING we’re safe from relegation. It’s not easy following Palace!

      Like

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