The Santa Clarita Diet. Try it, one bite and you might find it’s good. Crazy good.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me.

Not too long ago I used to think I lived half a life;
The car, two kids, two mortgages, the dog, the wife,
Stuck on the endless treadmill of work work work,
I thought one day I'd lose my mind and go berserk.

I see now I was 'a glass half-empty' kind of a guy,
A sad sack who saw the world through a gimlet eye,
My father-in-law berated me as a self-pitying soul,
His wife told me straight- 'what a miserable asshole.' 

Abed one night, worried and awake at one o'clock
I rose and took a ruminative stroll around the block,
The streets and my thoughts were miserable and dark,
My feet grew weary but my brain continued to spark.

I was passing through the shadows of the church tower,
Deep in the dark depths I saw an eye's malevolent glower,
I was encircled and set on, just outside the church grounds! 
Do these roaming gangs of mindless thugs know no bounds?

In the darkness I could see naught but a flash of white,
The gleam of bared teeth, evil creatures of the night,
I fought bravely under their outrageous bestial attack
Till someone tapped my head and everything went black.

When I awoke my bloody head was pounding,
An alarm somewhere in my brain was sounding,
I arose from the pavement and shook my head
But in my mind a creeping realisation spread...

I discovered I could no longer focus my brain,
My fragmentary thoughts seemed half insane,
My attack proved a bit more than a minor scuffle-
Both brain and feet seemed to be stuck on shuffle.

In the pit of my miserable guts sat a hunger, gnawing,
A deeply primitive part I knew I was beyond ignoring,
On my approach I saw three pre-dawn joggers scatter-
This new Zombie shows a hankerin' for fresh grey matter.

As I shamble along I glance at a storefront window
And see a sight, in reflection, I have no wish to know,
And that last human part of me clenches in resistance,
And I know I want no part in this miserable existence.

So I'm stumbling back home where I'm hoping I'll find
An up-in-arms wife to offer me a bit of peace of mind,
I guess our shotgun marriage was doomed from the start,
Let's hope she aims for my stupid brains and not my heart.

(Obviously watching Shaun Of The Dead on top of a few tasty episodes of The Santa Clarita Diet inspired another addition to the Shlock Mock Horror genre. I thought 'why not try to see it from the zombies point of view?' At least it's a fresh one.)

‘Hey, I know I’ve changed. No, It’s not you, it’s definitely me.’


10 thoughts on “The Santa Clarita Diet. Try it, one bite and you might find it’s good. Crazy good.

  1. Wait, where are all the other comments that should be on this post? Oh, right, you’re a zombie now. (Just got the memo, thanks for that.) Maybe the word on the street is that one shouldn’t comment here, as it might lead to grunty (and somewhat smelly) death. Life (and apparently non-life) is a challenge, yes?

    Anyway, back to me, which is where we eventually get: “Shaun of the Dead” was loopy fun, but “Santa Clarita Diet” took things to an entirely-warped new level, one that greatly satisfied my appreciative but admittedly-twisted little mind. Have you finished the entire series? I had a few quibbles at the end, but they were truly minor, and I was left mostly-sated by a job well done by all involved…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Re comments; You’re right, people don’t seem to want to engage in comments with me on this post. A case of not risking getting the commenters heads bitten off? Who knows? But I did enjoy digging up a bit of Shlock Mock Horror stuff. (That Nosferatu post you did might drag another offering from my crypt.)
    I watched all three SC series pretty rapidly, only had to wait a short while to get the third as I’d stumbled on the first two and, heh heh, ate ’em up. A pity the production got left hung out to dry after the ending of the third, when they were obviously expecting to do series 4. I thought it was quirky, twisted, an inversion of the modern family with issues, and had some lovely one-liners that reward a second viewing.
    ‘Shaun’ was, IMHO, a bullseye classic. But then, I am a fan of satire, as is obvious, most of my posts are saturated with snarkiness. The Pegg/Frost team’s ‘Paul’ is well worth a look, a nice Sci-Fi fan boy comedy with a fine dash of cult references.

    Liked by 1 person

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