Jesus told Preacher Jesse Duplantis to get
A fifty-four million dollar Falcon jet,
Jesse wants it to spread Gods word
But that Falcon’s one big flipping bird.
So Jess kneels humbly down and makes his pitch plea
Prays to his poor congregation to contribute, monetarily,
Jesse will all too gladly take you- by the hand,
Even kiss your cheek should you give ten grand.
‘Twill enrich your future prospects in the eyes of the Lord,
But it is a promise, at present, all too few can afford
When Jess possessed three other jets in which to sally forth
By what God given right has he got to go buy a fourth?
Whacked On Ambien. (Apologies To John Mellencamp.)
Here’s a little ditty about tact and Roseanne,
‘Bout how she twitted her career right down the can,
Of how high she rated, and of how she’s fallen so far,
How now neither ABC nor her agent want a bar of Ms. Barr.
What damage to her ‘good name’ Roseanne is wreaking,
(Though her joke is shared by a few, conservatively speaking,)
Now she blames sleep deprivation and Ambien for her faux pas-
But it’s her own witterings on Twitter that launched this falling star.
Oh Don, it’s another great deal you have done,
You’ve got those untrustworthy Iranians on the run,
Your vow to tear up the treaty was no empty threat,
Lets hope your actions aren’t something we’ll all regret.
Don wants to ensure America is Number One,
The countdown to Dons dream has now begun,
And Don, its a lesson the Iranians will not forget;
Consider your aim of America First as- Target Met.
If you’re in Houston and place an emergency call
Crenshanda Williams won’t be concerned at all,
Whatever dire emergency you wish to report
Crenshanda likes to keep calls concise, and short.
All she wants at her workplace is contemplative quietude
But people insist on calling in and killing the mood,
All these people saying it’s a matter of life and death,
Her curt advice to them is to save their breath.
Crenshanda was told at her last workplace review
‘Answering emergency dispatches ain’t the calling for you,’
She won’t be working long here, that’s the word I hear,
Crenshanda’s being thrown out on her unsympathetic ear.
At Plato’s Closet, where thrifty bargains abound
Dad shopped while Mom waited in the car with the kid,
Whatever is this heavy metal thing the kid found?
Could it be something silly Daddy should’ve hid?
Dad, your handy handgun shouldn’t be left lying around,
It may lead to a bloody unfortunate accident, God forbid,
Some do argue a gun with Safety on is safe and sound,
But Dad, leaving it on- and loaded- is, put simply, stupid.
When one itchy-fingered but innocent kid let loose a round,
Towards the warm Indiana earth Mom gracelessly slid,
Has a little kid ever taught Dad a lesson more profound?
You bet your ever-lovin’ wife’s life this kid did.
A teacher at Stoneman Douglas High School
Felt the call of Nature something cruel;
If experience has taught Sean anything at all
It’s not to try to forestall Natures call.
The Glock 9mm he’d bought to protect himself
He laid, Safety off, safely on a handy shelf,
And once his ruminations were done
He left with much relief but sans his gun.
There may well be need to vacate the latrine,
For Sean to speedily, as it were, vacate the scene;
But for the benefit of the next occupants peace of mind
Please, Mr Simpson- doh!- don’t leave your piece behind.