A bad attempt at bad poetry. Hardly working, much less bardly working.

Still Waters.
(Thanks? to Chel Owens and her terrible poetry competition.)

We needed a soothing vacation
To fix our marriage situation,
Perhaps a holiday in June
Would be a second honeymoon?

So we took a sea cruise,
Take in some Island views,
Let the waves wash our troubles away,
Lounge 'round the pool the live long day.

Drinking cocktails under the sun,
Kept our waiter on the run,
Every time the poor man passes
We ask him to refill our glasses.

By Barbados I was feeling
The rifts were healing,
We went for long walks,
We had longer talks.

It seemed to me
That there may be
A way for you to
See I do love you.

No more long awkward pauses,
Less apportioning of causes,
Fewer exchanges of bad names,
Much less playing blame games.

We took to romantic dining,
Drank champagne, arms entwining,
Our waiter began soliciting our table
Offering us the best wine lables.

We took to holding hands,
Clinking drinks and wedding bands,
By the time we hit Grenada
Did I see a spark of ardour?

Could feelings that had dwindled
Be revived and rekindled?
Could stars crossed realign?
I'm sure I'd seen a subtle sign.

It felt like they should,
I began to pray that they could,
I thought I'd make a cunning plan
And show her I was now a better man. 

I went down to see our waiter,
Asked him if we might dine later?
A dark table, lit by candlelight?
Followed be a passionate night? 

An all in-cabin meal he suggested,
There the waters could be tested,
Even said he'd serve it his good self
With champagne knocked off the top shelf.

What a helpful and supportive gent! 
Up to the quiet observation deck we went
Where over fine cigars we planned and plotted,
He said he knows when someone's besotted.

But I didn't wish for her to see me lie,
I wanted to look her truly in the eye,
The waiter told me he understood
But sometimes you can lie for good.

Sometimes the act justifies the means,
Though I didn't want no drama scenes- 
If she saw no suspicion in our faces
I might just get back in her good graces.

So we agreed to the deception,
Just one last lie, played to perfection,
Into the dark sea below we tossed our cigars
And I looked up to to thank my lucky stars.

We could rekindle our romance,
I would take this second chance,
Before tonight I'd lied and cheated,
After tonight, mistakes not to be repeated.

I had seen it in the stars above,
She'd never see me betray her love,
I swore on the stars and my life
I'd be a better husband to my wife.

So I strolled the decks till dinner time,
I knew she'd forgive me of one last crime,
Thanks to my pal and confidante
She'd see I'd see to her every want.

Down I went to our suite
To wine and dine my sweet,
The waiter met me by the door,
And what a la cart goodies I saw.

Dry champagne in an ice bucket!
Crystal flute that rang if you struck it!
Caviar and foi grass under covers,
And fresh oysters for older lovers.

I felt excited and yet nervous
As the waiter did his service,
Proficiently he poured us a drink,
And left, barely tipping us a wink.

She hand-fed me oysters, did my buttercup,
Raised a toast to us with a saucy 'bottoms up,'
I felt giddily and foolishly intoxicated
Far faster than I had anticipated.

I asked my sweet lady fair
To join me outside for some air,
I wobblily stepped out on deck,
Cursing that glass of Demi-sec.

I leant uneasily over the rail,
Feeling chilly, looking pale,
I couldn't quite catch my breath,
I feared I might catch my death.

As I suppressed a dry heave
I could not conceive or believe
That this night I would be sea-sick,
Nature couldn't play such a cruel trick.

I felt my dear's hand 'pon my arm,
And then, to my alarm
The good waiters guiding hand
And I began to understand...

Now no doubt as to whether
I'd survive our stormy weather,
I guess she was happy to cater
To the waiter's primal nature.

So a counter plot they had hatched,
My good self would be dispatched,
He grabbed an ankle, she my calf-
And I'd thought she the better half!

Over the safety rail I soared-
I heard no cry of 'man overboard,'
The waiter gave me a cheery wave
As I fell towards a watery grave.

Now I knew we were never
Destined to be together forever,
Well, now I know how it feels
To be in head over heels.

My wife airily air-kissed me 'bye-bye'
Just as the chill water killed my cry,
I felt the salt water of my tears
And in lungs, mouth, nose and ears.

Oh, the oceans I swallowed
Like a whale I gasped  and wallowed,
Till, after puking up my guts
I prayed Karma kicks their butts.

I'd paid full price for going astray,
I saw the cruise ship sailing away,
Still, chances of poisoning, well reduced,
I'd been purged and pumped and sluiced.

I trod water but knew I'd tire soon, 
Was sinking low, praying to Neptune
To send this poor swimmer a life raft,
And shipping water when I felt a prod aft...

What a fortunate find I'd found,
A pine log ten feet long, three around,
No raft, but something to straddle
When up the creek without a paddle.

Come Dawn and I saw a sail,
Some soul far off the beaten trail,
It was a long lost solo sailor,
As relieved as I to hear me hail her.

She hauled my carcass off the log,
She was glad to see this old sea dog,
And since I had survived a nasty divorce
We both agreed to plot the same course.

Now the ex-wife's dropping me causes no pain,
But I'll be ever so happy to never see 'em again,
So I do wish 'bon voyage' and my very best to
Them as they sail off on the 'Marie Celeste 2.'

Call it Kismet, call it fate,
But she was glad to call me shipmate,
I'd never have met my true love
If push hadn't come to shove.

         'Need a holiday? Take the plunge.'

(I hope every hackneyed phrase and criminal rhyme has been dredged up and heaved aboard this junk heap.)

'Never saw the sun shining so bright,
Never saw things going so right,
Noticing the days hurrying by,
When you're in love, my how they fly.'
Willie Nelson, 'Blue Skies.'

©Obbverse.